25: Fear
/There’s a difference between living in fear, and letting fear live with you.
There’s a difference between letting fear lead you, and letting it walk beside you.
Fear propels bravery. We literally cannot have bravery without fear, because without fear there would be no reason to be brave. We have to learn how to let the fear live beside us, walk along with us, but not win the moment.
If you’re wondering how to make sure fear doesn’t get the final say, listen in here or read right below!
**What follows is most of episode 25: Fear from the Praise Through It podcast. Listen here, or read on!
Today, let’s talk about fear. Here’s our definition: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Two summers ago, my daughter and I were at the ocean. She was still small enough to fit on a piggy-back ride, so I had her there and was wading in from the shoreline. When the waves crashed, they would sometimes come all the way up to my underarms, which meant they would cover at least half of her little body. It was a blast. I can still hear her saying: Mama, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!
It wasn’t all easy and fun for her, though. She had a lot of fear. I’m not as tall as her daddy so sometimes the waves would crash and cover her. If the wave crashed too high or if her face got wet, she’d say something along the lines of, “no! I’m done! Can we be done now?” I don’t know if this makes me a mean mom or a good mom, but I kept her there and said words to her that I have learned to live by:
Fear cannot be the last feeling you feel before you leave somewhere.
I’m not talking about extreme situations. Like when I told you a few episodes ago about getting lost in the woods. That’s an okay time to be scared - that is your body telling you to get out of Dodge. That kind of fear keeps us safe, it is imperative to our survival.
But the fear that exists because we don’t know the outcome of something, that is an entirely different beast, and I’d like to unpack it a little for you today.
When I told my daughter that fear can’t be our last feeling at the ocean, she said, “Okay, Mama,” and we stayed. We ended that experience and that day with loads of laughter, something I’ll remember as long as I have my memory. It was precious, yes. But it was also powerful. I’ve heard from Emily P. Freeman the question: Are you running away from something in fear or toward it in love? That’s powerful and I’ve leaned on it as I’ve made decisions. I also want to pay attention to what I told my daughter: fear cannot be my last emotion here.
There’s a difference between living in fear, and letting fear live with you.
Fear propels bravery. We literally cannot have bravery without fear, because without fear there would be no reason to be brave. We have to learn how to let the fear live beside us, walk along with us, but not win the moment.
We all find ourselves in different circumstances where fear has the potential to be the prominent feeling and the loudest decision-maker.
I can think of situations in my parenting, marriage, career, friendships, faith, habits, travel adventures, and everyday life where fear had the potential to take over. I know you can think of some, too.
Whether we’re at the ocean, in a battle for our lives, facing immense relational difficulties, or just trying to get through Tuesday, fear will always try to sneak in and win. It comes in all forms, right?
It looks and sounds like this:
No way am I doing that.
Get me out of here, I didn’t sign up for this!
I can’t do that, I have no idea how and just … no!
I’ll be horrible at that.
That sounds terrifying.
There’s no way I can do that.
What if that doesn’t work?
What if this ruins me?
What if I can’t do it?
What if I can’t get back to where I was or who I was?
What if this never heals?
All of that stuff we say to ourselves to convince ourselves out of whatever would be a good, right next step that we’re currently afraid to take.
All of that stuff we say to ourselves that looks like rationale, but is actually fear.
So…
What if we let fear sit at the table with us, but not get the final say?
What if we let fear walk the road with us in order to keep us grounded, but not let it clip our wings or tell us how high we can fly? (That’s from an old LeAnn Rimes song, I’ll link it in the show notes).
What if we invited fear in for tea, instead of keeping it at bay like a wild animal that just gets fiercer the more rabid and wilder it gets?
Maybe instead of those questions, we lean on these instead:
I know this will be really hard. Might it be worth it?
I know this will challenge everything I know about myself. Might I learn something whether I succeed or not?
I know I’ve been changed by this experience. How do I work in the parts of me I miss with the new parts of me that are even better than the old?
This wound deeply hurts. How can I ground myself through the healing process?
The Law of Cause and Effect talks about how every action elicits a reaction. It is nearly impossible for your body and brain to remain in fear if you are moving forward with that fear by your side rather than letting it consume you.
What does that mean?
It means we don’t make decisions out of fear. When presented with a choice to make, the reason for our conclusion cannot start with, “I’m afraid…” or any version of it.
It means that when the voice of fear starts up in our head, heart or spirit, we can answer it like we would a friend who’s spilling the beans over coffee. “Oh, that’s interesting. Why is that?” We don’t take on the trouble, but we approach it with curiosity and compassion.
It means that when you feel the fear creeping in, we can snap the door shut. Like when you leave the screen door open and you can hear your mom and dad yelling, SHUT THE DOOR! You can do that when you feel the fear coming on. Shut the door on it and make your decisions from your cozy, safe space where the fear can’t touch you.
It means having enough confidence and faith to say: fear will not be the last feeling I feel here.
Our feelings are real, but they’re not reliable. I heard that from pastor Chris Hodges at Church of the Highlands in Birmingham, Alabama. I have lived by it ever since.
The fear is real. The fear tells your body: something here is scary and different and we’re not sure we want to stick around. It’s not a sin to feel fear. It’s not a weakness, it’s not anything wrong. It’s human. And it’s deal-with-able. It’s not dooming. It’s not a period at the end of your sentence. It just is a part of life that WE get to choose where it goes. WE get to choose if it goes with us or within us. WE get to choose if it chooses for us.
Fear can be an all-consuming experience. It can also be just a fraction of the experience. I know it’s not easy to set it to the side; I also know it’s do-able.
When I married a military man, I was terrified. Now, 17 years together and we’re still smiling. Most days. [wink wink]
When I went into the hospital to have my daughter, I was terrified. I almost died, but she’s 7 this summer and I would do every heartbeat over again.
When I jumped out of a plane both times, I was terrified. I landed.
When I told my best friend back in college how I was feeling, that I was afraid she wouldn’t want to be my friend, I was terrified. She took my hands from my face and said that was ridiculous, and 20 years later she’s still my girl.
When I left my job to be a stay-at-home mom, I was terrified. Would I find purpose? Turns out, yes. A million times yes.
When I started this podcast, I was terrified. 18 months later, I’ve learned a lot, had a lot of fun, and formed a relationship with my God and my writing that I might not have otherwise.
When I started driving and learned that part of that was turning left during breaks in on-coming traffic, I was terrified. I panicked once, and my dad stood up for me to the driver of the car who cut me off.
Life has so many elements that are absolutely terrifying. But that doesn’t mean they should be shooed to the side. Fear has a place. But that place doesn’t have to live within us, that place doesn’t have to be at the forefAlayront, and that place doesn’t have to be first place.
When I left for Japan, by myself, to live there for a little while, I was absolutely terrified. My entire body was shaking. Fear was yelling--this is ridiculous, don’t do this, you have no business living in a different country, go get a real job. But I did it. I didn’t die. I had a lot of fun. I ate a lot of really great food. I got the best pair of boots, ever. I learned a tiny bit of Japanese. I learned about proper rice cooking and storage. I pounded rice to make mochi. I got on and off the train at the right and wrong places. I knocked an entire row of bikes down. I misread social cues all the time. I missed home--a lot. It wasn’t perfect. But it was worth it.
And that’s the question.
Whatever the fear is in front of, is it worth it to push the fear to the side and walk forward in courage?
I’m going to say that usually, that answer is yes. Yes, it is worth it to move fear from leading to walking with you. Yes, it is worth it to let fear live with you, but not within you. Yes, it is worth it to let fear be part of the story, but not part of your heart. Yes, it is worth it to let fear in on a little bit of the action, but not to tell the whole story.
I’m going to leave you with a blessing, as well as a prayer from the Book of Common Prayer, the 2019 Anglican Church in North America edition.
Most loving Father, you will us to give thanks for all things, to dread nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our cares on the One who cares for us. Preserve us from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, and grant that no clouds of this mortal life may hide from us the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested unto us in your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
So today…
May you wear peace like armor over your heart, so that fear cannot get through to the deepest parts of you.
May you experience fear with curiosity rather than judgment, as you let it live with you rather than within you.
May you allow natural questions to arise, but only allow the non-fear answers to have a real say.
And may you tie your heart to the Creator, so that He may give you clear, unwavering confidence to walk the path He’s set before you.
Show notes:
Leann Rimes - One Way Ticket (Because I Can)
Book of Common Prayer, 2019 Anglican Church of North America edition
Official definition of Fear
Emily P. Freeman - Next Right Thing Guided Journal
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