In a room full of individuals, you'll see three types when it comes to people’s people skills:
the quiet ones.
the loud ones.
the in-between ones.
The quiet ones search for safety within themselves; the outside is scary and drawing inward suits their needs just fine.
The loud ones search for safety by *doing* something; they take action according to what they think they need in order to feel fulfilled.
And the in-between ones are looking for connection; they find belonging and safety by leaning into relationship with others.
These are three different ways of interacting with other people of the world. Three different ways to cope in the space of our interpersonal relations. Three different expressions of our individual 'people skills', if you will.
One thing I LOVE about the Enneagram is the knowledge that we all have different interpersonal coping skills & that's okay.
For example: a type 5 withdraws from others in order to meet his/her need of energy conservation and security.
For example: a type 7 moves against people as a way of meeting his/her need of contentment and fun.
Every type's people skills, or way of interacting with people in general, varies based on their interpersonal coping stance/style.
Our interpersonal coping style is defined as: how we get other people to respond to us in order to get our needs met.
There are three interpersonal coping styles:
1. Assertive (Types 3, 7, 8) - move against people and take action in order to get their needs met externally.
2. Dutiful (Types 1, 2, 6) - move toward others in relationship in order to get their needs met.
3. Withdrawn (4, 5, 9) - move away from people because of fear or expectation of not having needs met by others.
Some of us move away from people; we withdraw because it's safer away from all the people. (withdrawn stance)
Some of us move toward people; connection is where we find what we need. (dutiful stance)
Some of us move against people; we rebel against the restrictiveness of others so we can have fun & make sure we avoid pain. (assertive stance)
What can that knowledge do for us?
When I know how the person on the other side of proverbial table is working to get me to respond to them, then I know this about the future of our relationship:
Misunderstandings go waaaay down.
Understanding & compassion go waaaay up.
The relationship will get stronger.
Hurt happens less.
Love shows itself more.
Sounds pretty great, right?!
Read below to see how each Enneagram type tends to interact with others in order to get their personal needs met. Find yours to see how you can express yourself in a healthier way, then read a friend’s number so you can understand them better.
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Enneagram 1
Motivated by: being good & right
Interpersonal Coping Style: Dutiful
Moves toward people (relationally) in order to get their needs met.
Becomes overly compliant and does what they think is expected of them.
Reacts to stress by serving others.
Believes they must shut down their own wants and instead do things for others.
Make it healthy by: Check your expectations at the door & let curiosity replace criticism, especially within yourself.
Enneagram 2
Motivated by: being helpful in order to be appreciated
Interpersonal Coping Style: Dutiful
Moves toward people (relationally) in order to get their needs met.
Becomes overly compliant and does what they think is expected of them.
Reacts to stress by serving others.
Believes they must shut down their own wants and instead do things for others.
Make it healthy by: Do a 1-for-1; do something for someone else, then take care of something you need. It’s a version of putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting other passengers.
Enneagram 3
Motivated by: status & respect
Interpersonal Coping Style: Assertive
Moves against people & takes action in order to get their needs met.
Boosts, reinforces, or expands their sense of self
When entering a room, they assume important and meaningful things are all connected to them.
Make it healthy by: Don’t seek affirmation or validation. Lean into authenticity. Simply accept compliments (rather than exaggerating, boasting, or “dismissing” them).
Enneagram 4
Motivated by: authenticity, uniqueness
Interpersonal Coping Style: Withdrawn
Moves away from people by turning inward to find safety & fulfillment.
Zones out to their own imagination
When entering a space, they automatically assume (and feel like) they don’t fit in
Feel a sense of having to summon up the energy to face the world & life
Make it healthy by: Commit to understanding that others don’t have the level of creative energy you do, and still be bold in sharing yourself when the time is right.
Enneagram 5
Motivated by: competency & capability
Interpersonal Coping Style: Withdrawn
Moves away from people by turning inward to find safety & fulfillment.
Zones out to their own imagination
When entering a space, they automatically assume (and feel like) they don’t fit in
Feel a sense of having to summon up the energy to face the world & life
Make it healthy by: Bring your thoughts into the outside world by expressing them verbally or writing them down, then stay present.
Enneagram 6
Motivated by: safety & security
Interpersonal Coping Style: Dutiful
Moves toward people (relationally) in order to get their needs met.
Becomes overly compliant and does what they think is expected of them.
Reacts to stress by serving others.
Believes they must shut down their own wants and instead do things for others.
Make it healthy by: Direct your loyalty & commitment to relationships that don’t suck you dry.
Enneagram 7
Motivated by: fun, avoiding pain and boredom
Interpersonal Coping Style: Assertive
Moves against people & takes action in order to get their needs met.
Boosts, reinforces, or expands their sense of self
When entering a room, they assume important and meaningful things are all connected to them.
Make it healthy by: Recognize others’ contribution to the fun. Do not demand others provide entertainment; rather, join in what’s already going on.
Enneagram 8
Motivated by: feeling strong, avoiding weakness & vulnerability
Interpersonal Coping Style: Assertive
Moves against people & takes action in order to get their needs met.
Boosts, reinforces, or expands their sense of self
When entering a room, they assume important and meaningful things are all connected to them.
Make it healthy by: Recognize others’ leadership in a room. Acknowledge others’ presence & don’t push them out of the way.
Enneagram 9
Motivated by: peacemaking & peacekeeping, internally & externally
Interpersonal Coping Style: Withdrawn
Moves away from people by turning inward to find safety & fulfillment.
Zones out to their own imagination
When entering a space, they automatically assume (and feel like) they don’t fit in
Feel a sense of having to summon up the energy to face the world & life
Make it healthy by: Outwardly express your idea of how to make the environment or interaction more peaceful.
More for you…
My favorite Enneagram assessments:
FREE Your Enneagram Coach (faith-based)
FREE Truity Enneagram Personality test (not faith-based)
Paid: RHETI Institute
Remember: Assessments are a *component* of figuring out your Enneagram type, but reading type descriptions is really how to nail it down.
Get the Typing Guide right here or in the form below. Figuring out your Enneagram number is a great way to start figuring out why you say, do & think the way you do. It’s a great way to learn that you’re not weird, you’re just you. And we need you.
Still looking for more? Shoot me an email & we can talk about coaching!