We're not sayin' you can change him
'Cause people don't really change
We're only saying that love's a force
That's powerful and strange
People make bad choices if they're mad
Or scared, or stressed
Throw a little love their way
(Throw a little love their way)
And you'll bring out their best
True love brings out their best!
I wrote in my Friday Crew email that maybe one day my writing will not include Disney lyrics. But I can’t *really* promise that, because truth be told: I love a lot of Disney lyrics. Anyway, back to the Enneagram…
I love that snippet from Fixer Upper in Frozen because it’s a wonderful picture of love & friendship. Kristoff (of Frozen) is Anna’s friend before he is her boyfriend. And understanding one another’s behavior when they’re mad or scared or stressed can really elevate & deepen our relationships all at once.
We deepen our understanding of each other.
We deepen our relationships.
We make better & brighter the world around us.
And we might just drown out some of the not-so-nice noise and make the love loud enough to win.
Every personality type has 3 relationship stances:
Interpersonal coping style, either withdrawn, assertive or dutiful
(In interpersonal relationships, we either withdraw, stand our ground, or do what we think we're obligated to do.)
Conflict coping style, either reactive, logical, or optimistic
(In conflicts, we either emotionally react, go through logical problem-solving steps, or avoid negative thoughts and feelings.)
Relational style, either attachment, frustration or rejection
(In relationships, we either attach (sometimes overly so), get frustrated at not having or being the ideal, or reject our own needs.)
So what do we do with that info?
Read the blurb below to understand yourself & your people, then throw a little love their way (& your own way) so we can deepen our friendships, make the world around us better & brighter, and maybe possibly potentially drown out the hate consuming our world and make the love so much louder.
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Enneagram 1:
...is motivated by goodness & integrity, feeling upset at her friends will feel wrong/bad/dirty. She'll be tempted to brush it under the rug or cut it off all together. She can take a deep breath & remember that anger & frustration are normal human emotions, and expressing them through tactful, honest words is good and healthy. Her friends can help her through the conflict by accepting her anger & frustration, listening, and encouraging the humanity of the exchange.
Enneagram 2:
...is motivated by helping in order to be appreciated and loved, experiencing discord in her friendships hits hard—so hard she'll either curl up and not deal with it, or over-explain why and how she's been hurt. She can take a deep breath and remember that people get upset because we're human, not because the relationship is in dire straights. Her friends can help her through the discord by listening, sincerely apologizing, and reminding them: our friendship is not going to end based on this one conflict.
Enneagram 3:
...is motivated by status & respect, discord is extra unpleasant. How can I be successful if I can't even get this relationship right?! She might puff herself up, exaggerating what she's done right and what the other person has done wrong, possibly even not acknowledging any of her missteps. She would do well to remember that discord is part of healthy relationships, so in the striving for healthy relationships she can work through conflict. Her friends can let her know they're ready to work it out when she is, and that their relationship matters and is based on liking one another as humans, rather than being based on any kind of achievement.
Enneagram 4:
...is motivated by feelings of inadequacy and being defective, conflict in friendship is especially emotional. This personality type can take a long time to fully express the depths of his/her feelings, so patience on both sides (with self & from others) is very important. In her tendency to withdraw and react, this person would do well to remember that if the friend didn't want to work it out, the conflict wouldn't exist in the first place because the friend could have just walked away. But you're worth it, so people stay. Friends of Enneagram 4s: let them know you see their hurt & help them feel valued and validated.
Enneagram5:
...is motivated by competency & capability, conflict in friendship is draining. Depending on the depth of the friendship, it can be an incredible source of anxiety for the Enneagram 5 because even though she's okay withdrawing and keeping to herself, the energy she's put into a relationship is a deep investment for her and she doesn't want to feel like it was all for nothing. She also doesn't want to feel so incompetent that she can't keep a friend. This person would do well to remember that conflict won't last forever, especially if you dive in and work it out. Her friends can help her by not requiring long, drawn-out conversations; get to the point, stick to it, and work it out.
Enneagram 6:
...is motivated by safety, security & community, conflict in friendship is something to be worked out immediately and thoroughly. The Enneagram 6 is one of the healthiest relationship type because they're so loyal to their people that they have a baseline of trust running in the background of their carefully chosen & cultivated friendships. Any discord that comes up is usually met with a, "Let's work this out, I know our friendship isn't over" kind of attitude. (Unless the friend has been disloyal and incredibly hurtful, in which case the boundaries go up and the friendship might end). The Enneagram 6 would do well to remember that being hurt by a friend does not necessarily indicate a lack of loyalty by the friend, and her friends would do well to remember that the 6 takes her friendships *very* seriously; communicate honestly, clearly & directly.
Enneagram 7:
...is motivated by having fun, conflict in friendship is something to avoid as - much - as - possible. Conflict in friendships for an Enneagram 7 can be like nails on a chalkboard. An annoying, squeaky thing that ruins the rest of the fun. So ya know what this person will probably do before sitting still to work it out? Leave the room. Or make a joke, possibly inappropriate. Because the restlessness that arises in discord can feel unbearable. So, the Enneagram 7 can take a deep breath and remember, this won't last forever, this won't last forever. And then talk it out. Use basic, direct words & you can move on as quickly as you got there. Friends of 7s: keep it short & sweet, say what you mean & mean what you say, and keep it meaningfully light so they hear you.
Enneagram 8:
...is motivated by justice & avoiding vulnerability, discord in friendship can go sideways, real quick. The Enneagram 8 will over-project confidence and anger if the conflict is significant or highly activating. This personality type can remember that weakness doesn't have to mean annihilation, and sometimes expressing weakness can help level the conflict to the point of being worked out. Friends can help the Enneagram 8 remember that conflict in friendships is normal, and it does not indicate a sense of disloyalty or extreme weakness. Use direct, honest, and confident communication, and the conflict can be resolved.
Enneagram 9:
...is motivated by peacemaking, peacekeeping, and not making a stir, conflict in friendship can be muddled & confusing. The Enneagram 9 prefers positive connections with others, so discord can feel extra heavy. She can remember that walking through conflict with friends who matter is a healthy, normal, human thing that doesn't have to feel like the weight of the world. Her friends can help her through the conflict by being patient, nonjudgmental, and affirming, all while encouraging boldness in communication.
Get the Typing Guide right here or in the form below. Figuring out your Enneagram number is a great way to start figuring out why you say, do & think the way you do. It’s a great way to learn that you’re not weird, you’re just you. And we need you.
Still looking for more? Shoot me an email & we can talk about coaching!