“Oh, I can’t stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, and I stop doing the standing, walking, and words putting into sentence doing.” - Lorelai
I’ve been re-watching Gilmore Girls the last few months, and aside from enjoying it immensely, it’s got me thinking about comfort and how our different personalities experience and seek out comfort.
I had a therapist tell me once that after a traumatic event, the brain will often crave something incredibly familiar because that familiarity makes the brain feel safe & comfortable. At the time, I was re-watching Dawson’s Creek right after I had my daughter. A normal event for most 30somethings who came of age when Dawson did, but a comforting act for myself because the birth was pretty darn traumatic and Dawson’s Creek was my very very favorite show. I TAPED those episodes and watched them over and over (and over and over and over). I knew every line and watching those lines that I knew so well was familiar and gave me great comfort.
I can’t say for certain that watching Dawson’s Creek was a very Enneagram 5 way of seeking comfort because that doesn’t seem very scientific or official, but I do know that it is something I knew backwards and forwards, and, well, remember how important knowing is for Enneagram 5s? (Reminder: here)
What I can say for certain is that we all seek comfort in different ways, and maybe it has something to do with the way our personalities are hard-wired & expressed.
Why is that?
Our core motivations for moving through our daily experiences varies from type to type, person to person. So while we all seek comfort in our daily lives, the reasons behind doing so, how we go about it, and how we experience it are all different. And to further that, whichever Enneagram wing we lean on impacts our comfort experience, and so does our sub-type. (Not sure what those are? Stay tuned for a Back to Basics series this fall!)
Below is a basic rundown of Enneagram types & how they might seek comfort, and then why their specific engagement feels comforting to them. When we think about how we each see the world, think of it like looking through a pair of colored sunglasses. The Enneagram 1 will always look through Navy Blue glasses. She can choose to change her perspective, but her lenses will be the same. So what’s comforting to her will not be comfortable to the Enneagram 7, who wears red glasses.
So: we don’t judge each other’s comfort-seeking. We simply help them do so in a healthy way.
Read for yourself below, then read for your people so you can understand them better, and help them through the day better, and make this world a friendlier, more lovely place to be.
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Enneagram 1
Motivated by: being good & right
How they might seek comfort: Organizing something, gravitating toward order, doing/starting something they can control.
Why this feels comforting: In the world of an Enneagram 1 who experiences an inner critic on a regular basis, order and comfort are just about synonymous.
Enneagram 2
Motivated by: being helpful in order to be appreciated
How they might seek comfort: On autopilot: helping someone else. In health: tending to their needs, such as taking a walk, baking, having coffee/tea/wine, etc. with a friend, taking a nap.
Why this feels comforting: Enneagram 2s are one of the most connection-oriented personalities on the Enneagram. Those kinds of activities, and whatever helps them feel connected to themselves, the people they love, and/or their faith, brings them immense comfort.
Enneagram 3
Motivated by: status & respect
How they might seek comfort: Engaging in something that brings value to themselves & to their world.
Why this feels comforting: The Enneagram 3 prefers to do rather than be, so seeking comfort is completely outside of their comfort zone. However, when restlessness and emotional discomfort become too much to bear, finding something that brings value to who they are and the world they inhabit will bring them great comfort because they can be still in knowing they have done something valuable.
Enneagram 4
Motivated by: authenticity, uniqueness
How they might seek comfort: Finding themselves in a hobby or environment that feels safe to them.
Why this feels comforting: As a personality that values uniqueness, their core fear of being defective can make an appearance and wreak all sorts of havoc on a person’s sense of peace. A hobby or environment that feels safe and peaceful has a grounding effect.
Enneagram 5
Motivated by: competency & capability
How they might seek comfort: Researching until they “know enough”, watching/reading/listening to something they either know very well or have been wanting to watch/read/listen to.
Why this feels comforting: An Enneagram 5’s tagline could be, “I just like to know.” Knowledge and capability is comforting to them. New knowledge creates expanded capabilities = comforting knowing “I can do this.” Engaging in something they know very well reinforces their capabilities = comforting knowing “I can do this.”
Enneagram 6
Motivated by: safety & security
How they might seek comfort: Leaning on alliances, gaining knowledge in order to feel safe, going to the last place in their minds they felt safe.
Why this feels comforting: The Enneagram 6’s motivation is security & safety. When they need comfort, they will seek comfort by seeking logistical, emotional, physical, and spiritual safety.
Enneagram 7
Motivated by: fun, avoiding pain and boredom
How they might seek comfort: Removing themselves from anything painful, engaging in something that is guaranteed to be fun/interesting, sleeping.
Why this feels comforting: With a core fear of being trapped in pain or discomfort, the Enneagram 7 seeks comfort by staying uninhibited, whatever that means to them.
Enneagram 8
Motivated by: feeling strong, avoiding weakness & vulnerability
How they might seek comfort: Spending time with one or more people in their closest circle, helping/empowering someone else.
Why this feels comforting: An Enneagram 8 likely needs comfort because they feel vulnerable, which is a form of feeling unsafe/weak/out of control. Being with their closest people, or helping/empowering someone else, makes them feel more in control and gives them the comfort they’re seeking.
Enneagram 9
Motivated by: peacemaking & peacekeeping, internally & externally
How they might seek comfort: Quiet time by themselves or with a very calm friend, gardening/home decor/something to connect them to the earth or their home
Why this feels comforting: Another very connection-oriented personality type on the Enneagram, the grounding techniques of connection are essential to help them feel comfort.
More for you…
My favorite Enneagram assessments:
FREE Your Enneagram Coach (faith-based)
FREE Truity Enneagram Personality test (not faith-based)
Paid: RHETI Institute
Remember: Assessments are a *component* of figuring out your Enneagram type, but reading type descriptions is really how to nail it down.
Get the Typing Guide right here or in the form below. Figuring out your Enneagram number is a great way to start figuring out why you say, do & think the way you do. It’s a great way to learn that you’re not weird, you’re just you. And we need you.
Still looking for more? Shoot me an email & we can talk about coaching!