I saw this great meme the other day:

Isn’t that fantastic? Because it’s so true! And it speaks to how the things we had just about zero control of as kids (how we reacted to an environment we landed in) greatly impacts our present-tense life.

There are plenty of neuro, psych, and spiritual reasons for that, but what today is for is this:

How do we relate to people based on the expectations we formed as itty-bitty kids, learning how to interact with our people?

The Enneagram calls this our Relational Style.

Each of the nine Enneagram types fits in one of three Relational Styles for how they form expectations in their adult relationships based on their first relationships in life:

1. Attachment (Types 3, 6, 9) - Adapt themselves to the important people or things in their life in order to get their relational needs met.
2. Frustration (Types 1, 4, 7) - Always looking for the ideal, these folks get frustrated when what they have doesn’t match up.
3. Rejection (2, 5, 8) - Reject their own needs because they feel as though their needs don’t matter to others. Then, they use what they know & what they know how to do to avoid being dismissed in the future.

The expression of these relational styles can come out pretty sideways if we’re not careful, or if we haven’t put in the work to grow as grown-ups (such a misnomer sometimes, isn’t it?!).

Read below to see how each Enneagram type tends to set expectations in their adult relationships. Find yours to see how you can express yourself in a healthier way, then read a friend’s number so you can understand them better.

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Enneagram 1
Motivated by: being good & right
Relational Style: Frustration
They know what in life will make them happy, yet they rarely feel like they have it.
When they obtain what they thought they wanted, they are often disappointed because it doesn’t live up to the ideal they had set up in their mind & heart.
Make it healthy by: Figure out & commit to a ‘good enough’ point. It’ll help if you find realistic examples of that ‘good enough’ point.

Enneagram 2
Motivated by: being helpful in order to be appreciated
Relational Style: Rejection
Feel easily rejected since they believe others do not care for their needs.
Easily deny their own needs so they won’t feel as rejected.
They believe they have one major gift, and they seek to use it to avoid being rejected again.
Make it healthy by: Take a risk and stand on what you need. If you can, do this before you get to crisis mode. Your feet will be wobbly at first, but you’ll get used to it and see how much your people care about what you need.

Enneagram 3
Motivated by: status & respect
Relational Style: Attachment
Sense of self is based on being/feeling deeply attached to things and ideas they perceive as good.
Adapt themselves to the important people or things in their life in order to get their needs met circumstantially & relationally.
Make it healthy by: Figure out what you value, and be that person. Others will respect that even more than shape-shifting to what they value.

Enneagram 4
Motivated by: authenticity, uniqueness
Relational Style: Frustration
They know what in life will make them happy, yet they rarely feel like they have it.
When they obtain what they thought they wanted, they are often disappointed because it doesn’t live up to the ideal they had set up in their mind & heart.
Make it healthy by: Set aside your and your partner’s flaws today. Focus on what you and the other person have, rather than what you’re missing. Perhaps even write a list or create a piece of art expressing your gratitude for all the things you and/or your partner are.

Enneagram 5
Motivated by: competency & capability
Relational Style: Rejection
Feel easily rejected since they believe others do not care for their needs.
Easily deny their own needs so they won’t feel as rejected.
They believe they have one major gift, and they seek to use it to avoid being rejected again.
Make it healthy by: Remove “I don’t want to talk about it” and “I don’t want to hear it” from your vocabulary, particularly when someone is trying to help you. In its place, rest in their helping you through your emotional, physical and/or spiritual needs.

Enneagram 6
Motivated by: safety & security
Relational Style: Attachment
Sense of self is based on being/feeling deeply attached to things and ideas they perceive as good.
Adapt themselves to the important people or things in their life in order to get their needs met circumstantially & relationally.
Make it healthy by: Pinpoint three times in your life when you trusted your gut and it worked out. Pay attention to all the details and feelings around those three times. Replicate that going forward as often as you can.

Enneagram 7
Motivated by: fun, avoiding pain and boredom
Relational Style: Frustration
They know what in life will make them happy, yet they rarely feel like they have it.
When they obtain what they thought they wanted, they are often disappointed because it doesn’t live up to the ideal they had set up in their mind & heart.
Make it healthy by: You don’t have to erase ‘what could be’ in order to be content where you are. Look around, experience gratitude for where you are, and look forward with gratitude for where you’re headed.

Enneagram 8
Motivated by: feeling strong, avoiding weakness & vulnerability
Relational Style: Rejection
Feel easily rejected since they believe others do not care for their needs.
Easily deny their own needs so they won’t feel as rejected.
They believe they have one major gift, and they seek to use it to avoid being rejected again.
Make it healthy by: Let go of the keys to your bulldozer. You don’t have to keep going in order to protect everyone and everything, including yourself. You can let go of those keys, take a beat, and figure out what you need.

Enneagram 9
Motivated by: peacemaking & peacekeeping, internally & externally
Relational Style: Attachment
Sense of self is based on being/feeling deeply attached to things and ideas they perceive as good.
Adapt themselves to the important people or things in their life in order to get their needs met circumstantially & relationally.
Make it healthy by: True, lasting harmony is achieved through communication. Your thoughts and views matter, but you have to give other people a chance to know that by expressing them out loud.

More for you…

My favorite Enneagram assessments:

FREE Your Enneagram Coach (faith-based)
FREE Truity Enneagram Personality test (not faith-based)
Paid: RHETI Institute

Remember: Assessments are a *component* of figuring out your Enneagram type, but reading type descriptions is really how to nail it down.

Get the Typing Guide right here or in the form below. Figuring out your Enneagram number is a great way to start figuring out why you say, do & think the way you do. It’s a great way to learn that you’re not weird, you’re just you. And we need you.

Still looking for more? Shoot me an email & we can talk about coaching!