Defending Against Disappointment
I used to say to my daughter: don’t panic, problem solve.
She was tired of the phrase by the time she was 4.
I bristled at first, but now I chalk it up to different personalities. I am of the logical persuasion; she either isn’t, or she’s not there yet.
I don’t know how often you feel disappointed, or how often you feel threatened with disappointment, but I know this: we all work pretty hard to defend against it.
We try not to get too excited because we don’t want to be too disappointed.
Here’s the thing about that: picture a line in the middle of a paper. Put your pen at the far left end of that line. Draw a curve that goes up to your level of excitement, then down to your level of disappointment. Flip the paper over. Put another line in the middle of the paper. Now draw a line just for your disappointment.
The disappointment is the same, it’s just the swing from up to down makes it seem worse.
A little layman’s neuroscience for ya.
Each of the nine Enneagram types fits in one of three Conflict Coping styles for how they defend against disappointment:
1. Reactive (Types 4, 6, 8) - emotionally react to disappointment & want others to do the same..
2. Logical (Types 1, 3, 5) - emotionally detach in order to find and create logical solutions to the disappointment.
3. Optimistic (2, 7, 9) - reframe negative perspectives toward disappointment into optimistic ones.
The three styles are so vastly different that what one person means as a loving, kind respond can feel dismissive, selfish, or unloving. If we understand that we’re each operating out of our core motivations, I think then we can more readily help one another process and express disappointment in healthy, authentic ways.
Read below to see how each Enneagram type tends to defend against disappointment in their daily life. Find yours to see how you can express yourself in a healthier way, then read a friend’s number so you can understand them better.
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Enneagram 1
Motivated by: being good & right
Conflict Coping Style: Logical
Logical problem solver; prefers to immediately troubleshoot.
Emotionally detaches so as to remain objective.
Doesn’t want to get worked up; prefers calm, collected, and controlled
Make it healthy by: Allow yourself physical activity to let your emotions out. Allow for flexibility and common sense when problem-solving (rather than adhering to sometimes-illogical & harmless rules).
Enneagram 2
Motivated by: being helpful in order to be appreciated
Conflict Coping Style: Optimistic
Usually sees the bright side of any circumstance.
Avoids negative thoughts & feelings.
Desires happiness, contentment & fulfillment for themselves & others.
Has an imbalance in meeting their needs along with the needs of others.
Make it healthy by: Don’t bypass what you need. Put your mask on first, then help those around you. The help you give will not only be better & more sustainable, but you’ll be more energized (instead of worn out) afterward.
Enneagram 3
Motivated by: status & respect
Conflict Coping Style: Logical
Logical problem solver; prefers to immediately troubleshoot.
Emotionally detaches so as to remain objective.
Doesn’t want to get worked up; prefers calm, collected, and controlled
Make it healthy by: Figure out what you’re feeling so your solution can be more authentic (and still excellent). The task can probably wait at least 10 minutes while you take a beat to center yourself.
Enneagram 4
Motivated by: authenticity, uniqueness
Conflict Coping Style: Reactive
Emotionally reactive under stress.
Work themselves up, sometimes very quickly.
Want others to respond with the same emotional intensity (to show others care)
Don’t trust others easily, especially if it’s someone they already don’t like or trust.
Have strong opinions, especially about the given situation/disappointment.
Make it healthy by: Trust the people who have given you no reason to doubt their support of you. Sort through your emotions before strongly expressing them and potentially hurting other people & relationships you really care about.
Enneagram 5
Motivated by: competency & capability
Conflict Coping Style: Logical
Logical problem solver; prefers to immediately troubleshoot.
Emotionally detaches so as to remain objective.
Doesn’t want to get worked up; prefers calm, collected, and controlled
Make it healthy by: Observe your feelings as you’re problem-solving. Staying in touch with your body as you do will help your solution be healthier & more sustainable.
Enneagram 6
Motivated by: safety & security
Conflict Coping Style: Reactive
Emotionally reactive under stress.
Work themselves up, sometimes very quickly.
Want others to respond with the same emotional intensity (to show others care)
Don’t trust others easily, especially if it’s someone they already don’t like or trust.
Have strong opinions, especially about the given situation/disappointment.
Make it healthy by: Sharing yourself with the people in your circle doesn’t make you any less independent. Balance the sharing with a physical activity to blow off the steam you feel rising within.
Enneagram 7
Motivated by: fun, avoiding pain and boredom
Conflict Coping Style: Optimistic
Usually sees the bright side of any circumstance.
Avoids negative thoughts & feelings.
Desires happiness, contentment & fulfillment for themselves & others.
Has an imbalance in meeting their needs along with the needs of others.
Make it healthy by: Make a side-by-side list of what hurts & what doesn’t. Seeing the pain alongside the contentment will remind you that the yucky stuff isn’t forever, and it’ll get you into a space of helping everyone, including yourself, find true, lasting contentment.
Enneagram 8
Motivated by: feeling strong, avoiding weakness & vulnerability
Conflict Coping Style: Reactive
Emotionally reactive under stress.
Work themselves up, sometimes very quickly.
Want others to respond with the same emotional intensity (to show others care)
Don’t trust others easily, especially if it’s someone they already don’t like or trust.
Have strong opinions, especially about the given situation/disappointment.
Make it healthy by: Remember: putting out your spikes doesn’t just keep you safe, it hurts other people who love you. Try accessing your tender side before or as you’re processing your disappointment.
Enneagram 9
Motivated by: peacemaking & peacekeeping, internally & externally
Conflict Coping Style: Optimistic
Usually sees the bright side of any circumstance.
Avoids negative thoughts & feelings.
Desires happiness, contentment & fulfillment for themselves & others.
Has an imbalance in meeting their needs along with the needs of others.
Make it healthy by: Continue to highlight the positive attributes of yourself, others & the circumstance, but don’t idealize anything. Consider what is, then walk one step at a time in that reality.
More for you…
My favorite Enneagram assessments:
FREE Your Enneagram Coach (faith-based)
FREE Truity Enneagram Personality test (not faith-based)
Paid: RHETI Institute
Remember: Assessments are a *component* of figuring out your Enneagram type, but reading type descriptions is really how to nail it down.
Get the Typing Guide right here or in the form below. Figuring out your Enneagram number is a great way to start figuring out why you say, do & think the way you do. It’s a great way to learn that you’re not weird, you’re just you. And we need you.
Still looking for more? Shoot me an email & we can talk about coaching!