Knowing your 4s
Knowing your Enneagram 4
In our Friday Crew, we learned a little something about Enneagram 4s.
The 4 is the person who will draw inward to their feelings faster than you can say sad.
They’re the ones who spend their time battling a constant wondering of: what in the world is wrong with me?
Enneagram 4s.
The ones who teach us that uniqueness matters.
The ones who remind us to walk our own path.
The ones who teach us that feelings are necessary but don’t have to get the final say.
The ones who can read the emotions in a room but prefer to remain in their own.
The one who will rarely have a linear answer to the question, “How are you feeling?”
The Enneagram 4 has spent her life trying to be understood while being authentically themselves. The 4 wants to be understood and might try for a while to blend in, but she wants to be unique because authenticity is one of her highest values. She wants to communicate her inner world, but lives with a constant dread of believing there is something wrong with her. It’s very easy for the 4 to remain hyper-focused on her emotions and keep her inner world to herself, believing it dangerous to express it out loud. Without some good heart work, that doesn’t change.
The Enneagram 4 is in the Heart Triad.
These folks FEEL before they think or do.
The Enneagram 4 reads the emotions in a room real fast, but prefers to stay in their own as long as they can. Their heart song tends toward melancholy and romantic-slash-nostalgic, and it is readily available for sharing if you’ll ask and listen.
It is thought by many Enneagram experts and social science wisdom and knowledge that there are more 4s in the creative industry than any other number. The artists, poets, storytellers, songwriters, script writers — many of them accessing pain, nostalgia, and the human condition in a way most of us wouldn’t be able to stand.
That’s the Heart Triad. The pain, romance, nostalgia, and feelings-oriented observations about the human experience come flooding out of them because that’s how they operate.
I hurt. Period.
They have a very hard time getting out of their feelings, and, importantly: they do so to the point of alienating others.
Why do they do that?
Motivations:
Core Fear: being inadequate, plain, insignificant
Core Desire: To be unique, special, authentically themself
Core weakness: envy — why does everyone else have the personality I want? Why’d they get so lucky? What is wrong with me?
Core longing: "You are seen. You are loved."
It all comes back to being unique & authentic.
Every Enneagram type has two wings, which are the adjacent numbers. For the 4, that’s the 3 and the 5.
Wings act like personality crutches; when we’re leaning out of our dominant type, we lean into one of two wings - usually one more strongly than the other, but once in a great while we have a steady equilibrium of leaning on both wings an equal amount. They add to the flavor of our personality, like salt & pepper or sugar & spice, depending on how we use it.
4w3 - 4 with a 3 wing - is nicknamed The Aristocrat. This lovely human is emotionally vivid, extroverted, upbeat, and enjoys personal relationships. He/she can be more consumed with what others think, and can have more emotional fluctuations because of the tension between wanting to be unique vs. wanting to shape-shift into the most desirable image.
4w5 - 4 with a 5 wing - is nicknamed The Bohemian. This lovely human leans more on the intellectual side of things, can be more introverted, creative, and a deeper thinker.
Side bar: The difference between a 4w3 and a 3w4 is the dominant type, because the dominant type determines the main motivation. The 4w3 predominantly pursues uniqueness; the 3w4 predominantly pursues success. So having the same #s in a wing combo (1w2 & 2w1 or 3w2 & 2w3, and so on), does not mean the personalities are expressed in the same way.
Every Enneagram type has a stress arrow & a security arrow; where we go when we’re our messy selves & where we go when we’re our comfortable (sometimes lazy) selves.
In average to heavy stress, 4s go to average-to-unhealthy traits of the Enneagram 2: manipulative in order to get what they want out of a situation, becoming overly involved, defending their hurt feelings by withdrawing or removing their attention and/or affection.
In blind-spot security (the lazy, I’ve-always-been-this-way self), 4s go to average-to-unhealthy traits of the Enneagram 1: place more of a focus on flaws, being more vocal about what they see as wrong, impatient, nit-picky and controlling.
The good news is — These stress & security arrows tell us when we’re not living as our best selves.
In growth, 4s go to average-to-healthy traits of the Enneagram 1: keeping order, balancing emotions, being objective, embracing mundane tasks as opportunities to be a good, responsible steward.
In integration, 4s go to average-to-healthy traits of the Enneagram 2: offering help to be kind and generous, putting others’ needs aboe their own, recognizing their inherent value.
Strengths: Creative, imaginative, great intuition, empathic, can bring great beauty and meaning to experiences.
Struggles: coming out of their feelings, easily sink into melancholy & despair, easily sit in envy.
The 4 is considered a romantic individualist because he/she knows that each and every person and experience can be beautifully different and lovely. That is a special, necessary thing. We just want to make sure that 4s know how loved and cherished they are, just as they are.
Does this sound like you? Or does it sound like someone you know?
Get the Typing Guide right here or in the form below. Figuring out your Enneagram number is a great way to start figuring out why you say, do & think the way you do. It’s a great way to learn that you’re not weird, you’re just you. And we need you.
Still looking for more? Shoot me an email & we can talk about coaching!